Coming Clean

“The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile.”  ~Plato

I have started writing this post several times over the last month, erased my thoughts, and started over again.  When we write about something so very personal, it can be really hard to expose ourselves. This is a serious issue for me, and one that will have life long effects, and one I hope to change.

The past few months I've been reading some books that have made me take a good, hard look into my life and into who I am and what makes me tick.  I realized that I have a big problem with self-control.  I also realized that this is a personality trait that I inherited.  It's obvious it runs in my family, but it affects my siblings and me in different ways.  For me, I tend to yell a lot at my kids and overreact.  It seems I have a short temper. You'd think I'm hormonal or something. . .oh, wait. . .

I'm not sure when I realized it because the recognition has been blooming for quite some time, but this year I finally accepted that I have a sugar addiction.  When I thought about my self-control issues, the sugar addiction no longer seemed unexplained.  Before you dismiss that this is just a silly addiction or laugh about it, let's talk about what an addiction is. 

ad·dic·tion

noun \ə-ˈdik-shən\   (Medical Dictionary)

Medical Definition of ADDICTION

: compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be physically, psychologically, or socially harmful—compare habituation  

(source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction)

What words stand out to you?  Compulsive? Physiological need? Persistent use?

Let's be honest.  When we think of addictions, we can usually point out the obvious ones that plague our society:  drugs, alcohol, pornography, hoarding (don't think it's real -- just watch one episode of "Hoarders" -- it's real all right!), shopping, over-eating, anorexia, video games, and many others.  I would say I was addicted to over-eating, but I knew it was more than that.

Lest you tell me something dismissive like, "Oh, I can't say 'no' to sugar either," or "You should just limit yourself to one treat a week," or "Sugar isn't all bad, you're just following a fad," let me share some addictive behaviors with you and what mine have been.  Most of these come from a couple of websites including this one: http://www.indiana.edu/~engs/hints/addictiveb.html  and this one: http://www.erikbohlin.net/Handouts/personality_traits_of_addiction.htm

• They will seek it out, or engage in the behavior even though it is causing harm.  I have been substantially overweight for over 10 years.  I remember when the doctor told me that I was "obese" over 8 years ago.  You tell me that isn't hard hard to hear.  I knew that what I was eating wasn't good, but when I was stressed out, I bought cookies, snack cakes, or candy bars to relieve it.
• The person will compulsively engage in the activity, that is, do the activity over and over even if he/she does not want to and find it difficult to stop.  I would find myself eating the leftovers from my kids or grabbing handfuls of cookies, candy, or chocolate chips just because it was a habit.  I'd find myself in the pantry or fridge and wonder what I was doing.
• The person does not appear to have control as to when, how long, or how much he or she will continue the behavior (loss of control). (They drink 6 beers when they only wanted one, buy 8 pairs of shoes when they only needed a belt, ate the whole box of cookies, etc).  Uh, easy:  That box of Little Debbie Snack cakes was usually gone before I got home from the grocery store.  Cookies never lasted more than a day or two; candy bars didn't stand a chance.
  
• He/she often denies problems resulting from his/her engagement in the behavior, even though others can see the negative effects. Minimizing—is the coping mechanism of acknowledging something, but making it “not that big of a thing.”  They often feel that people are making “a mountain out of a mole hill.”  I would tell my friends and family that I could stop at any moment.  I just needed to exercise more.  I really didn't eat that much or that badly.
• Person hides the behavior after family or close friends have mentioned their concern. (hides food under beds, alcohol bottles in closets, doesn't show spouse credit card bills, etc).  That box of Little Debbie snack cakes was usually thrown away in the outside trash where my husband couldn't find it or buried in the bottom of the kitchen trash can.  The box of Girl Scout cookies that I saved for myself was hidden in my dress drawer.  I knew how to eat right in front of others by ordering salads or low fat meals to make it look like I was getting a handle on my diet.
• Individuals with addictive behaviors often have low self esteem, feel anxious if they do not have control over their environment, and come from psychologically or physically abusive families. This one is a little more difficult to talk about.  I don't think I've completely loved all of myself ever since I was. . . well, ever.  My greatest weakness is comparing myself to others.  When I was a little girl, I wanted to be my friends because then maybe my brothers wouldn't pick on me.  When I was older, I wanted to be the girl across town because she won all of the contests and all of the boys liked her.  When I was in college, I decided that I couldn't compete with BYU students, and so I just did minimal activities in college.  As an adult, well, we all know that this could go a million angles.  Basically, though, the absolute hardest part is the control:  I have struggled knowing how to be a parent of a child with high-functioning autism and being the perfect adoptive parent.  Most of you have heard my struggles with homework or other scenarios with Jackson.  When I would lose control, I immediately would yell and then grab something high in calories to eat and take away the stress.  As for the abuse part, well, I can't say that I came from an abusive home, so please don't think that I mean that in any way.
• Self Medication—The person uses the substance to fix situations and feel better.  Mistakenly, they believe that they are only using it for social reasons or pain management, but in fact it is “helping” them cope with life.  I remember a month or so ago when I actually felt the trigger.  I could feel it go off, telling me that the only way to fix the issue at hand was food.  I couldn't believe it.  I knew then that it was more than just habit or eating for "fun."
  
• Quick Fix Mentality—Addicts are used to “fixing” their uncomfortable feelings with their addiction. As a result, they expect change to happen fast and have difficulty waiting for things or progress over time. That is one of the reasons relapse is so common is that they are unable to withstand the painful/ uncomfortable feelings that occur with withdrawal.   I can not tell you how many times I have "relapsed."  This is why I'm grateful for the "No-Sugar Challenge" I found online to help break my addiction.  I will talk more about this in a later blog post.
• Upon cessation of the activity, withdrawal symptoms often occur.  These can include irritability, craving, restlessness or depression. Yet another blog post to come.  Yes, I have had withdrawals and cravings more than I realized I would.
• Anger—If there is a feeling that is expressed, it is usually anger.  Not having their substance makes them irritable and angry.  This definitely was one of my first withdrawal symptoms.
  

 I'm not writing all of this to fish for compliments or for you to tell me that I'm not really all that bad.  I don't believe I am a horrible person, but I do believe that I have a serious addiction that I am determined to change.  Please don't dismiss this by trying to "disprove" one of the things I've written (i.e., "You're really not fat, LeMira" or "We've all done that.").  One of the first steps to recovery is honesty, and I'm laying it out in the open.  This is one of the hardest things for me to do.  

I will write more about this experience as time goes on, but I knew I needed to get the first post out there, which has been the hardest to write.  

Up next:  My Turning Point: what made me realize that I had to change for good.